I’ve got crabs, they’re multiplying


Lesson 1) Never assume that the bucket of water that your son wants to bring home from the river contains only fresh water for the starfish he brought home the day before.

Lesson 2) Don’t ever leave the bucket of not-river-water in your car overnight because it’s raining and you can’t be bothered dealing with all the shit in the boot.

Lesson 3) Crabs won’t stay in a bucket overnight in a car.

Lesson 4) Crabs will get every-fucking-where

Lesson 5) in the fading light of an Autumn evening, when you’re cleaning the car furiously to try and track down the stench, the revolting smell of a dumpster out the back of a fish mongers, everything will look like a crab. A 20c coin will look like one. A hair-tie will look like one. The carelessly strewn caylix of a feijoa will look like one.  You will drive yourself to an itchy, paranoid mess.

Lesson 6) Check with your son if the bucket also contains two baby eels. If it does, scream like I did. Try not to swear, because the neighbours, and CYF, frown on it.

Lesson 7) Have a calm, quiet conversation with your son about the beauty of leaving marine life where it (fucking) belongs, i.e. in a (fucking) marine environment.

Lesson 8) Don’t stir the spaghetti bolognese with the spoon your son just used to feed the dog her meat. Just, don’t. The dog will be eating top-shelf bolognese for a week, and you’ll be eating fish and chips with left over corned beef.

Lesson 9) Unschooling teaches the whole family a whole lot.

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